Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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