You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorry my hands just texted you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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