Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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