Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's never too late to be topless.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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