wanna go halves on a baby?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
