I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
