i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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