it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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