Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she smelled like a LAN party
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
