Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
