Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
