Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
