If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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