You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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