I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
