Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
