I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
