I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize