He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
