This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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