so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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