Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
