woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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