There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
