Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
