I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
