We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
