dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
as a side note pls kill me
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