What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
