K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
