the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
