Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
