I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
