Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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