i may or may not be watching the land before time
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
