Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
