My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
