I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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