Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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