There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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