Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
