i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
