I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
