Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
