took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
