if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
