I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize