Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
