Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
