my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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