I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
