While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
