Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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