i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
