Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize