Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
