Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
