Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
