If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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