Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
someone owes me an orgasm
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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