got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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