Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
