jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
if i can run in heels then i can drive
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
