oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
