LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
