I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
