I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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