We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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