remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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