so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
