I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
