I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
